I want to keep you in my pocket.
See, in my pocket, you will always be close to me, or in my bedroom when I take my clothes off to go shower. I will not wonder where you are or how you are, because I can always pull you out to check on you. I can talk to you whenever I want to, tell you whatever I want to. I can stay up all night talking to you or sit with you in the sun after the rainy night and watch the sky clear up. I can tell you exactly how my day was- or, you can experience it with me. I can board a plane with you and not have to be away from you for years when I go away.
And if you need me, I will be right there.
In my pocket, I won’t miss a single stage of your journey. When you grow out your afro and your beard. When you perfect the skill of playing the piano. When you go to that karaoke place and sing your heart out. When you learn how to do human portraits. When you become the valedictorian. Your first job, your first car, your first house, your first holiday. I don’t want to miss a thing, but I am afraid I have to.
In my pocket, you will be safe. I know there is the danger of me misplacing you along with my pants and looking for you for days. Additionally, I could squash you if I didn’t sit down properly. Or even suffocate you with my presence and my undying love. But honey, I just want to protect you and keep you safe. Around me so many people are dying, and it hurts so much, you know. The living are left behind to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next, how to go on with their lives despite the pain. It drives me crazy not to know what is happening to you every minute. I am struggling with anxiety and control issues, pardon me if I sound insane. But only because if anything happened to you, that would most probably be the end of me.
I want to keep you in my pocket. But I can’t.
That’s just how it is, you love someone and then you wanna keep them safe. But you can’t, especially if they are far. You just have to learn how to trust that they are okay, and that they will reach out if they are not. That the love between you is enough to keep you together no matter what. I want you to grow, but you can’t do it in my pocket. You need time and space. You also need to interact with other people and situations that have little or nothing to do with me. Keeping you in my pocket would be quite selfish of me.That does not mean that things will stop being beautiful and special, they will just take on another form of beauty. Yes, I badly want to be with you right now. Take walks. Eat. Lie down. Talk endlessly. Watch movies. Make movies. Stare into your eyes.Get rained on or baked by the heat. Swim. Exchange books, notes, magnetic cards. Now is not the time though. The time will come. I just have to be patient enough, and work on building myself in the process. Keep myself busy so that the time and the space do not shred me into pieces.
And I have to trust that no matter what, you will be okay.
And I will be okay.
We will be okay.